


Regretless

by orphan_account



Category: Jazz RPF, RPF - Fandom
Genre: FUCK, I hate myself, I'll Explain Later, M/M, i'm FINE
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:42:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10551034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I needed to put this out there.





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic based on real people, almost got expelled, and took it down. Thing is, I liked the plot, so I continued with different names. This has nothing to do with any real people, if it seems like it I didn't mean to. Also, please tell me about typos, I'm not checking over this bc I'm not in the mood to cringe. Thanks for reading, please leave comments, I'm needy

Concerts were always interesting, jazz concerts more so. Alexander Smith just got done with his first concert with the Jazz Pumas, the second out of two jazz bands. He has decided to wear the green plaid shirt that matched his glasses and he knew went well with his mahogany hair. His beard was freshly trimmed, and his jeans perfectly showed off his thighs. He was chilling in the right wing of the stage as Jazz One was setting up. Suddenly, he felt a tap on the shoulder and turned to see the bright face of one of his closest friends and his roommate, Lukas Cleaver. 

"Dude! You did amazing!" The slighter man grinned up at him, his blue eyes shining and his blonde hair gelled to the side. Upon first glance, Alex thought his jawline had been contoured (curse Misha for teaching him about makeup), but it was just the lighting and his already well-defined features. Lukas's smile was infectious, and soon enough Alex was grinning back. 

"Thanks, man! You're gonna go out there and rock the stage in a few. I'd say good luck, but you really don't need it."

Lukas chuckled before his expression changed into one of hope. "You're gonna be out there watching me, right?"

Alex scoffed. "Of course! Where else would I want to be?"

Lukas just smiled in response before pulling Alex into a quick hug. Alex barely had time to marvel at how small the man was (5'9 compared to his 6'4 height, and slender against Alex’s broader build) before Lukas was pulling away. "I have to go set up, I'll see you after the set!"  
Alex nodded and watched Lukas saunter on stage and begin putting the trap set together before finding a seat in the audience where he knew he'd be able to see him. He watched all of the other Jazz One students set up, and he winked at Richie when he caught his eye. Soon enough, the set started and Alex relaxed in his seat, enjoying the music as his eyes wandered the stage. Eventually, his eyes rested on his friend's face, and what he saw left him in shock. Lukas's head was thrown back, his lips were parted, and his eyes were squeezed shut. Half of the blood in Alex's body rushed to his face, the other half to his crotch. Lukas bobbed his head in time with the music, his expressions ranging from blissful to purely sinful, which definitely didn't help Alex's growing arousal and discomfort. This continued through the set, and at one point Lukas scanned the crowd and made eye contact with Alex. Alex would never forget the way Lukas looked in that moment, face flushed, pink lips parted, eyes intense and full of passion... In that moment, Alex Smith knew he was fucked.  
\------  
"Fuck, that was fantastic." Lukas flopped onto his bed after the performance and rolled over to look at Alex, who was sitting on the edge of his bed, scrolling through his phone trying desperately not to look at Lukas. 

"Yeah, Luka, you did a really nice job with the set tonight." 

He fiddled with his phone case before putting it down and silently changing into his pajamas.  
"Alex, are you okay?" 

Lukas was used to Alex being this quiet, but not this solemn and definitely not this uncomfortable. 

"Yeah, of course! I'm just really tired." He shrugged and risked a glance at Lukas. The look of concern on his face caused a feeling of guilt to pool in Alex's gut, but he quickly remembered the way he felt earlier and averted his eyes. 

"I'm gonna hit the stack. Sleep well." Alex stripped to his boxers and crawled into bed, facing away from Lukas. He forced his breathing to even out and hoped that Lukas didn't notice that he was more tense than normal.  
\------  
Over the next few days, things slowly returned to normal between the friends though Alex could still feel some sort of tension between them, and he knew it was his fault, but he couldn't stop it. He remembered the arousal he felt watching his best friend playing the drums, and he definitely felt the shame that accompanied it. Every time he looked at Lukas, Alex felt the same as he did that night. It was frustrating, to say the least. He never felt this way about a guy before, much less his closest friend. He could tell that Lukas could sense it too, he felt his friend's eyes on him whenever they were together, and he caught glimpses of a concerned gaze. He knew it was only a matter of time before it drove them both insane, so he wasn't surprised when Lukas told him that they needed to talk. 

Alex met Lukas in their room as soon as jazz rehearsal was done a week and a half after what he had started calling 'The Night'. He walked through the door to find Lukas sitting on his own bed, his trademark smile gone and his head hanging. 

"Hey Luke, what's up?"

Lukas's head slowly lifted as he heard Alex's voice, and Alex was shocked to see his normally bright eyes dull, red-rimmed, and shining with unshed tears. 

Lukas's lip quivered as he said, "Alex, what did I do?"

"Nothing!" Alex had to stop himself from moving towards him. "What are you talking about?" He began to panic. He had never seen Lukas like this.

"You've been avoiding me and you stopped talking to me and you won't even look at me half the time anymore. I don't know what I did to upset you, but I'm so sorry, and I wish we could get back to normal. I miss you."

Lukas's voice cracked on the last sentence as a few tears spilled down his cheeks, the hurt and sadness very evident in his voice. Alex threw his bag down and rushed to him, kneeling in front of him. 

"Lukas, you haven't done anything. I'm sorry that I've been... weird lately, I'm just going through stuff right now, I promise it's not you. I miss you, too." 

Alex could feel his eyes burning when he stared into Lukas's, hoping that he could see that Alex really hadn't meant to hurt him. A few seconds of tense hesitation passed before Lukas threw himself into Alex's arms, sobbing. 

"I thought you started to hate me." He managed to choke out between sobs. 

"No!" Alex practically shouted before lowering his voice to a whisper. "I could never hate you."  
Lukas's sobbing slowly ceased as Alex rubbed his back and murmured assurances to him. Once Lukas's breathing evened out, Alex lifted him off the floor and onto his bed. Luka wiped his eyes and attempted a watery smile. 

"I'm glad we got that cleared up." He said softly. 

"I am too, and I'm so sorry that I made you feel like this was your fault. I care about you, Lukas, and it hurts me to see you in any kind of pain."

Lukas nodded before yawning. "I care about you, too. Just promise you'll talk to me about it the next time you feel this way."

"I promise."

Before Alex fell asleep that night, he peeked over at Lukas and imagined telling him how he really felt. He quickly decided that it wasn't worth the pain that would ensue.  
\-----


	2. Chapter Two ig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst. Kinda naughty solo stuff near the end, nothing too terrible. I still hate myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been an hour since the last chapter was posted, I hope you enjoy this one. Please PLEASE tell me about typos!!! Thanks.

Days passed and Alex slowly grew accustomed to being turned on by nearly everything Lukas did. It was exhausting and frustrating, but it had to be done. He wouldn't dare risk losing Luka's friendship, although as time progressed it became nearly impossible for him not to sneak glances, or even to start. Lukas sat next to him in music theory, and it took every ounce of Alex's self-control not to reach over and hold one of Lukas's restless hands, or press their legs together under the table. It was driving him insane.

They were both grateful when their normal schedule resumed: lunch and dinner together every day, coffee on Tuesdays at exactly 3:14, and a movie night every Friday. Even though things should’ve been back to normal, everything they did felt different to Alex. He was hyper aware of Lukas, how close they were at all times, he even began to notice how his nose scrunched up whenever he smiled. Lukas must have noticed at this point, how could he not? If he did, he never mentioned it, so Alex never brought it up.

One Friday, they decided to watch the Bee Movie for their movie night (read, Lukas begging until Alex broke down and said yes). They built a blanket fort with pillows, mattresses, and every soft surface they could find, put on their most comfortable clothes, and Alex pulled up the movie on his laptop. As the movie started, Lukas placed his head on Alex’s lap, curled up, and sighed in content. Alex, on the other hand, was as far from comfortable as he could be. He gathered his wits quickly, forcing himself to relax, and as the movie went on, it became more natural. At some point, he found himself running his fingers through Lukas's hair as Lukas's fingertips traced swirling patterns on his knee. They simultaneously said, “Ya like jazz?” when the line came and burst out laughing. Eventually, Lukas sat up and scooted closer, leaning against Alex’s arm. Alex wrapped said arm around Lukas before pulling him even closer as Lukas nestled his head in the crook of his shoulder. Alex could tell that Lukas was fighting sleep halfway through the movie, and he was following close behind. By the time the movie was over, Lukas was sitting in Alex’s lap, and Alex had both arms wrapped around his torso. When the credits finally finished rolling, Alex moved to stand up, but Lukas made a small, sleepy, vaguely grumpy sound and pulled him back down.

“Can we just sleep down here tonight?” Lukas asked sleepily, throwing Alex his best puppy-dog eyes.

Alex couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t see why not.”

They pushed the mattresses together and gathered all of the blankets and pillows together in order to form some sort of makeshift bed. Once everything was in place, they laid down side by side and fell into a swift sleep.

\------

When Alex woke up, the first thing he noticed was how close to the floor he was. The second thing he noticed was the blond hair just below his nose and the weight on his chest. Memories from the previous night came back to him bit by bit until he remembered how he ended up in the position he was in. He knew he had to move before Lukas woke up, but he didn’t know the next time he would feel such utter peace. He gently ran his fingers through Pat’s short, blond hair and down his defined jawline, tracing all of the angles of his face before gently lifting his friend off of him and placing him on the mattress. Taking one last look at Lukas's sleeping form, he gathered his clothes for the day and headed to the shower.

Upon his arrival back, he found all of the blankets folded, all of the pillows in a pile, and Lukas trying to put his mattress back on his bed (to no avail). Alex chuckled before putting his stuff down and helping him out, finally getting the stubborn mattress into place.

“I’m sure I could have gotten it on there!” Lukas said with an exaggerated frown as he sat down dramatically, holding back laughter.

“I’m sure you wanted it on there tonight, though.” Alex joked back. He put his own mattress on his bed before sitting down across from Lukas. “How'd you sleep last night?”

“I slept like a rock, honestly. I woke up feeling kinda weird, though, like I should've been warmer than I was. Anyways, once I figured out where I was and why I was there, and that you were gone, I started picking up a bit. Seriously, though, we should do that more often.” Lukas rambled as Alex listened, a soft smile forming on his lips. 

“I don't see why we couldn't.” Alex did think of a couple of reasons, but it seemed to make Lukas really happy, so he went with it. Thus, a new ritual was born. 

Every Friday, the two of them would lay out their mattresses, blankets, and pillows, and they'd fall asleep to the sound of a movie. Alex got used to waking up with a snoring Luka using his chest as a pillow. In fact, he began to look forward to it. Lukas looked so soft and peaceful when he slept, lips parted, hair tousled, sighing and snoring in his sleep. Alex hated himself for enjoying those small moments, he knew what the feeling he got in his chest whenever he looked at Luka meant, and he sure as hell wasn't ready to fall in love with him, but it was happening. 

Their new ritual was going perfectly, for about a month. Everything hit the fan one Saturday morning when Alex woke up cold. There was no warm body pressed up against him, there was no blond hair under his nose. He sat up quickly and searched the room for Lukas, and when he couldn't find him, he began to panic. Internally, he was screaming at himself. ‘YOU KNEW THIS WOULDN’T END WELL! YOU KNEW THIS WOULDN’T LAST!’ Externally, he pulled himself together. He found his phone and pressed ‘1’ on his speed dials, waiting for someone to answer. When he got Lukas's voicemail, his heart dropped. Luka never let his phone go to voicemail. 

“Hey Luka, once you get this gimme a call back. I'm gonna assume you know who this is.” He left the message and plopped down on a mattress, placing his head in his hands. He could feel his chest tightening, and his breathing was shallow and fast. His entire body was trembling, and tears were streaming from his eyes. Alex was terrified that he just lost his closest friend because he just had to hold onto those moments, because he just couldn't say no. 

Alex didn't hear the door open, and he didn't register the sound of something hitting the floor and footsteps rushing towards him until he felt arms wrap around him and a voice murmuring quiet words that he couldn't quite understand. At first, he pushed against the arms and fought the comfort that he didn't deserve, he couldn't deserve, until a hand urged his head up and he saw one very scared looking Lukas Cleaver gazing at him. 

“Alex, I got your message, and I came here as soon as I could. I heard something in your voice… Anyways, what's wrong? What's happening?” Luka was obviously trying so hard to comfort him, to just get him to calm down, but he couldn't. Lukas looked at him for another moment before standing up and taking a step away from him, scanning the room. Before he could move any further Alex reached out and snatched his hand. 

“Please don't leave me.” Alex’s voice was raw and vulnerable as he stared up at Lukas. 

Lukas's eyes widened in understanding before he knelt before Alex and wrapped his arms around him again. “I'm sorry I left you, I'm so sorry. I won't leave you again, I promise, just breathe. I'm here now. You're gonna be okay.”

Alex pulled Lukas into his lap and held him, taking in his warmth and letting it calm him. After a few minutes, Alex’s tears stopped, and his breathing returned to normal. He let go of Lukas and wiped his eyes. “I'm sorry for freaking out like that. I just woke up and you weren't here and I knew it was my fault and I'm so sorry and---” Lukas shushed him. 

“It's not your fault, I just needed to shower, that's all. I'm here now, and you're okay.” He moved so he was straddling Alex’s lap and held his head to his chest, gently playing with Alex’s hair. “You're okay now, right?” Lukas asked softly. Alex nodded in response, loosely wrapping his arms around Pat’s waist. They sat there like that for what felt like hours until Alex’s stomach made a noise comparable to a dying whale and they broke apart, laughing. 

“You know, I could really go for some pancakes right now. Or just food in general.” Alex said, smiling. 

“I couldn't tell.” Lukas deadpanned, rolling his eyes and standing up. “Let's go to that one diner in Waterloo, the one with those huge pancakes, you know?”

“Morg’s?” Alex’s face lit up at the thought. “That sounds like a plan to me. I have to shower, and then we can go.”

Luka nodded and waved him off. As Alex got under the spray of water, he couldn't help but recall the way Lukas's weight felt on his lap, or the feeling of his fingers in his hair. Alex quickly grew stiff just from thinking about it, and he couldn't help but lower his hand to relieve his arousal. With every stroke and pull, he thought of how Lukas would look on top of him, under him, on his knees, how his voice would sound, breathy and rough… The image of Lukas begging for his cock sent Alex over the edge, and he had to bite his fist to keep quiet. He washed his hand off and quickly cleaned the rest of his body before throwing his clothes on and rushing to his room so Luka wouldn't wonder what took him so long. 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. It's great. I hate this and myself. Mostly myself. Rip.


End file.
